


Don't you forget about me

by Ellstra



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: (since some people said they wanted to see the canon compliant stuff tagged), Amnesia, Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, Manipulation, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Snoke Being a Dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 17:56:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9618731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellstra/pseuds/Ellstra
Summary: “This wasn’t how we usually did it, was it?” Ren asks suddenly, “all tender and slow. Doesn’t fit you.”“You think I can’t be a gentle and thoughtful lover just because I blow up stars?”“I think you can, and maybe you even want to be. But I can’t imagine this is how it happened the first time.”“That’s true,” Hux admits with a little smile, “the first time was a lot different.”“Tell me about it,” Ren pleads, “how did it happen?”It’s an odd feeling, telling your lover how you got together. Hux takes a few moments to arrange his thoughts before answering.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to [Malachi](http://42dicks.tumblr.com/) for some invaluable help on this. The title of this fic is his fault too.  
> Also this is partly a fault of [solohux](http://solohux.tumblr.com/) because it was her post that got me into writing this.

“Ren?” 

Hux’s voice is low and tired, spiraling tentatively through the room. Kylo stops in the middle of putting on his pants and looks back at the ginger. General Hux, the Starkiller, the embodiment of the fearsome First Order, looks small and entirely harmless sprawled on top of his bed, blankets crumpled around him. 

Kylo glimpses a magenta spot at the side of Hux’s neck, and a bite mark on his left shoulder. It's almost funny how someone as confident and ruthless as Hux can be so delicate, like a precious sculpture. Hux's hair stands out in a tangle, the product he uses mostly ruffled out of it but still holding on at some places. 

“Yes?” Kylo asks, battling an urge to lean back on the bed and brush a strand of copper out of Hux's eye. 

“Stay,” Hux mumbles, looking somewhere above Kylo’s shoulder, as if he couldn't quite meet his eyes but wanted to try nonetheless. 

A few emotions spark within Kylo’s chest, bursting into flames and burning him alive. Joy, affection, worry and something he can't quite place. He takes a shaky breath and smiles slightly. 

“Okay,” he mumbles and kicks his pants off again, climbing back into the bed. Hux rolls onto his side and watches Kylo settle down; the cot is way too narrow for both of them. 

Hux steals a kiss from Kylo, a small shy brush of lips with more meaning than any passionate battle of tongues and teeth could have. 

“Thank you,” Hux whispers, and Kylo isn't sure what he's thanked for but he doesn't care, not when he has Hux in his arms and he's not making it up to fall asleep. 

“Goodnight, Hux,” he says instead and kisses Hux on the forehead. 

…

“Supreme Leader, you summoned me?” Kylo is alone in Snoke’s audience chamber. He misses Hux, misses the consolation of another human being by his side when facing the sinister figure of his teacher. There were times when he would give everything to get rid of Hux when talking to his master, but those times have passed. Hux is comforting now, a blanket or a favorite soft toy. 

“Yes, my boy,” Snoke peers at him inquisitively, “I heard you became rather friendly with General Hux.”

Kylo gulps and his shoulders droop in surrender. He can't deny Snoke’s accusation, not that he’s been given the chance. 

“It is a welcome relaxation. It helps me sleep,” Kylo says carefully when he understands Snoke demands a verbal answer. 

“That is good to hear, given your insomnia,” Snoke ponders, and Kylo's heartbeat speeds up in alarm, “but I am concerned about your duties. It would be most unfortunate should you neglect them.”

“I can assure you that is not the case,” Kylo blurts out, “Hux would never compromise his work.”

“And you? Wouldn't you give up your powers for the feeling of being loved and special to someone?” 

“Hux doesn't want me to give my powers up,” Kylo says and there's panic in his voice now. Snoke knows him, better than anyone - he could never try to lie to him about his desire to be accepted, to finally belong. It was what drove Ben Solo away from his parents and gave life to Kylo Ren after all. 

“I think you could use a lesson back here with me, boy,” Snoke phrases the order like a suggestion. 

“Yes, master.”

…

Ren is different that night, simultaneously more tender and distant. He makes Hux look into his eyes all the time, turning their sex into something that could only be described as lovemaking. Hux has never made love to anyone, and the implications of it terrify him. But seeing the need and despair in Ren, feeling it in his touches convinces Hux that it doesn't matter. Maybe Ren knows something Hux doesn't, and he supposes he should trust his lover. 

So he does, kissing him softly in the dim light of his bedroom. They take hours, worshipping each other, and Ren looks like he’ll die with bliss or start crying any moment. Hux is exhausted when they shower together, having given Ren everything he has and maybe more. 

Hux falls asleep wrapped around Ren, breathing in his scent and utterly, absurdly content. And yet there is something nibbling at his mind that tells him this will never happen again, for some reason he can’t quite point his finger on. Once, just before he drifts off, he feels Ren take a deep breath and thinks that maybe this is it, this is when it ends. But the moment passes, and if Ren knows something Hux doesn’t, he keeps it to himself. 

…

It’s been barely a week since that strange morning when Ren gave Hux a half-hearted, absent kiss on the cheek and told him he had to go meet Snoke. Hux was almost ready to protest, which was kriffing hilarious and wrong, because what could be more important than Ren’s training? Hux’s feelings? The fact that he’d miss Ren’s presence in his bed, or the way he seemed to remember every single detail about Hux? It was pathetic really, and maybe for the better that they’d spend some time apart. They should focus on the goal, whatever that was with the Order crumbling under their feet. 

It’s been barely a week since Hux last had a good night’s sleep and to his tired mind, it feels like eternity. It’s been a week that lasted longer than months spent away from Ren before, as if the closer they got, the less they could go without holding each other. It’s been just a week, and Hux knows Ren couldn’t have gone through any serious training in that time, since the journey to Snoke’s base and back alone took three days. It makes him anxious despite his tremulous anticipation of Ren’s arrival. 

He approves the shuttle’s landing himself and walks to the hangar to meet Ren. He’s done it before, although it never made his heart flutter quite as much. He checks his hair in the reflection of a clear panel he passes on his way and he almost runs a hand through it to tousle it a little. But that’s Ren’s job, so he straightens it back into its immaculate place. 

Ren is out of the shuttle already but doesn’t acknowledge Hux, talking to a mechanic instead about some malfunction on the vessel. Hux feels a dab of jealousy but quickly composes himself - they’ve never been cautiously secretive about their relationship but they haven’t made it public either. There’s never quite been the reason for it but Hux wishes they’d done it anyways. His body almost itches with unexpressed, cumulated affection he’s been harbouring for the entirety of the week. 

Ren finishes talking to the mechanic. He tilts his head slightly at seeing Hux. He has his mask on, which makes his gestures a little difficult to read - it seems like he can’t quite comprehend why Hux is there. 

“General,” Ren nods, and there’s hostility and contempt to his voice that Hux hardly remembers from times long passed. 

“Ren,” he nods back and attempts a small smile to warm Ren. Such expressions don’t come easily to him but he’s been finding himself reaching for the forgotten gestures in his memory. Somehow, his sneer and impassive face haven’t seemed quite enough for Ren. 

“Do you need anything from me?” Ren asks curtly without stopping by Hux’s side. 

“I just wanted to greet you,” Hux frowns, “I missed you.”

 

“Missed me?” Kylo sneers and raises an eyebrow even though nobody can actually see it. Hux’s words are ludicrous and baffling - wasn’t it Hux who yelled at him just a week ago about some mission gone wrong, as if it was somehow his fault? “Missed yelling at me for no reason at all, more likely.”

Hux’s expression distorts into something Kylo’s seen many times but never on Hux’s face. Betrayal, disbelief, sadness. Kylo doesn’t remember seeing Hux show this many emotions during the years he’s known the General. Something is off with Hux, something that has to do with Kylo himself. 

“I suppose you’re tired,” Hux says in a soft, conciliatory voice. It sounds wrong from the mouth of a man who commands battles.

“No, thank you for your concern,” Kylo utters, hoping his voice conveys just where Hux can shove his care. 

“Okay,” Hux says, “I’ll leave you to your duties.”

“Thank you, General.”

Kylo looks after Hux as the ginger walks away from him, too slowly as if waiting for Kylo to follow him. He could of course - maybe even should, just to see what exactly is Hux’s problem. It seems like he expects something from Kylo, although what that may be eludes him. Hux has always been very eager to reprimand him or relieve his frustration by humiliating him but this seemed like a whole new farce. 

Kylo shakes his head and dismisses it, unwilling to give Hux more thought than is absolutely necessary. He has some goals to work on, tasks from the Supreme Leader and training to attend to. Hux can go fuck himself for all Kylo cares. 

 

Hux fixes his gloves and his belt with violent focus, picking at the leather with excessive force. He stares at his hands as he walks, his teeth gritted in a grimace to stop him from breaking down. He thinks hard about his task, anything to ignore the growing panic settling in his chest. 

He should have anticipated this. When has anyone ever liked him, especially someone of equal footing who can’t possibly gain anything from him? Ren had plenty of time to think about this on his journey so he must have come to the conclusion that the sex wasn’t worth Hux’s pathetic clinginess and need for intimacy. For all Hux knows, there was no mission to Snoke - maybe Ren just didn’t want to bother with breaking up with Hux so he’ll just pretend it never happened. A week did seem to be too short after all. 

He wonders if Ren would have stayed had he kept their relationship strictly physical. Hux can’t deny, as much as he tries, that Ren seems to find him attractive. He would have preferred to think Ren was disappointed in the sex but didn’t want to hurt Hux by telling him, than knowing it must have been the rest. No, it wasn’t the sex, although just a few moments ago Hux would swear Ren seemed to enjoy the quiet minutes afterwards as much as he did. 

Hux recalls their last night together, his premonition that it would never come again or the way Ren almost told him something that had been nagging him but didn’t. He saw it coming and yet he’s surprised now.

Well, two can play the game, he supposes. There is a gaping hole in his chest, a feeling of betrayal and loneliness worse than he’s ever experienced, but he can - and he will - continue living his life as if Ren’s never entered it. 

…

Hux avoids Ren from then on. He’s never done that before, thinking it beneath him. He wouldn’t have given Ren the pleasure of appearing to be intimidated by him in any way. For all he cares, nothing Ren thinks of him can battle what he thinks of the cowardly traitor himself. He likes to think it therapeutic.

Ren keeps mostly to himself, going through his training that’s apparently way too noble for someone as mundane as Hux to comprehend. He’s away from the ship more often than he’s there, and Hux is grateful for that. It makes avoiding him easier. Or pretending everything is alright and Ren is simply gone away but when he returns, he’ll find his way back into Hux’s bed and make up for all the lost time. 

Hux misses his lover, and he hates it. He misses physical proximity crowned by a shared cigarette, misses waking up to a slight snore from Ren he used to find annoying. Sometimes, he smokes after touching himself just to see if maybe the bliss he’d felt back then was brought on by endorphins and nicotine. He keeps doing it long after he disproves this theory.

He supposes he should find someone to fuck to get over Ren. But he doesn’t, and he tells himself that he’s too busy and too important, as if that’s a viable excuse. It’s better than thinking he’d probably imagine Ren and start crying. 

 

Kylo is grateful that Hux finally stopped following him around and pestering him for anything he’s done, ranging from breathing to using up too much hot water in the gym fresher. He’s glad he doesn’t have to second-guess every single decision he makes or that he can finally say something without Hux turning up at his door to yell at him for it. But it’s dull. 

His life doesn’t stay Hux-free for long. It seems like the ultimate joke for Hux to appear in Kylo’s dreams. 

It starts subtly with pictures that are insignificant on their own but bring up emotions he doesn't remember feeling. A glimpse of pale hands wrapped around a mug, eyelashes flickering above ever changing eyes or Kylo’s own name whispered with a soft voice that he knows belongs to Hux. Kylo tells himself it’s his brain coping with the sudden change in Hux’s behaviour. And well, confusing visions of Hux are still better than nightmares, so he’s in no place to complain. 

The strange thing is how real and detailed the dreams feel. Kylo’s usual dreams are blurry or way too colourful and almost violently illogical, spiralling further and further into an inevitable mess of palpitation and sweat-soaked blankets. These snippets are peaceful and still and yet Kylo remembers many of them, if not all to the last vivid detail. He finds himself checking Hux to confront his imagination with reality, only to find the exact same little freckle under Hux’s jaw as he’d seen in the dream, or the same little pout Hux’s mouth twists into when he’s thinking. 

The worst thing is that as much as his dreamt-up Hux holds an uncanny resemblance to the original, he’s not real. He’s gentle and caring, and Kylo hates the real Hux even more for it. Sneers and disgust sting more when you compare them to tender whispers.  

Kylo assumes all this is a result of repressing his emotions. It will pass - it’s the price of gaining more control over his powers. He has the all too human need for intimacy and love that Ben Solo had, and this is probably the projection of them. Hux is a good target for this in fact - he’s close and exactly Kylo’s type all things considered, but the idea of actually acting on this sentiment is ludicrous, which makes him perfect. Kylo doesn’t concern himself with the implications of his dreams, and he doesn’t tell his master. 

It’s when the little shards come together to form a kaleidoscope of scenes and fantasies that make Kylo wake up sticky with come that he realises he can’t ignore this anymore. It’s taking up more and more of his time, keeping him awake at night and distracting him from his training. Trying not to think about Hux is just as ineffective as actively thinking about him, maybe more, and he has to see where he stands with Hux.

And so he does. He waits for Hux’s shift to end, and walks alongside the General all the way to the lift without a word. He can sense Hux’s surprise and curiosity but he doesn’t make a move until they’re in the lift. He stops it then and leans over to Hux. He takes his mask off unceremoniously. Hux’s eyes widen and an emotion Kylo can’t quite name flickers through them before he composes himself again.

 

“Hux,” Ren growls and Hux can swear his pants just got tighter. It’s unfair of Ren, and Hux is ready to punch him in the face or stomp on his foot. But he doesn’t, because Ren gets even closer and Hux loses all ability to think critically. 

“Ren what are you doing?” he breathes instead and hates himself because it comes out like a whimper. Weeks of carefully structured walls crumble and give way to a flood of longing and desire. Ren’s eyes narrow and he flushes slightly - he’s probably intercepted Hux’s emotions, not that it’s hard. The funny thing is that he looks surprised, like he’s never seen them before, or maybe that he didn’t expect them. 

“I… I can’t stop thinking about you,” Ren mutters, chewing on his words like they’re a bite of tough meat. “It’s distracting me.”

“Aww poor you,” Hux snickers, and he wants to shove Ren away for daring to try this tactics again. But he doesn’t. 

“Your reaction is peculiar,” Ren says and furrows his brow. Hux wants to kiss the crease between his eyebrows, “you are consciously trying to push me away but your body wants me.”

“Some of us can’t control our autonomous nervous system, you know. That’s why it’s called that,” Hux bites his lip and Ren’s eyes darken, “luckily, I still have a brain.”

“Why do you resist so much? The conflict within you… it’s tearing you apart.”

“Well now you’re being melodramatic,” Hux rolls his eyes to avoid Ren’s intense gaze, “also I’m very sorry that my trying to spare myself more pain and humiliation is interfering with your plans.”

“Pain and humiliation?” Ren asks and tilts his head slightly. He looks so puzzled and lost Hux almost believes he doesn’t know. If he doesn’t, he has a serious problem with basic empathy - Hux knows he himself doesn’t have much of it but this is just ludicrous.

“That’s usually what you feel when your lover leaves you without a word and pretends your relationship never happened,” Hux snaps. Ren looks lost and hurt, as if Hux’s accusation offends him. Now this is too much. “Don’t play dumb with me. I know you’re not stupid.”

“Hux I’d never do that-”

“You’d never-” Hux huffs, unable to finish the sentence. He purses his lips and pushes Ren off of himself, hits the button on the lift and prays to whoever might hear him he’ll be able to leave soon. This is too much. He doesn’t know whether he’s furious or sad, so he settles for both and clutches his hands into fists, his nails digging into his palms even through his gloves. 

 

Kylo is so taken aback by Hux’s reaction that he doesn’t move or speak before the lift stops and Hux storms out of it. Kylo steps out too, meaning to follow the General and ask him what he meant, but by the time he’s collected his wits, Hux has locked himself in his quarters. Kylo stands in the corridor idly, replaying the whole encounter in his mind over and over, trying to understand what he’s said that made Hux so mad. 

Hux never denied his attraction to Kylo, or his desire to act on it. The confusing part is that it seemed like the two of them have already been involved with each other and that Kylo left Hux without a word. Turning the conversation over and over, Kylo can’t find another explanation as hard as he tries, but this one doesn’t make sense at all. He’s only now started thinking of Hux that way, just now, with the dreams and fantasies. And then there’s the premise that Kylo would have to remember being Hux’s lover, wouldn’t he? 

He thinks of all the dreams he’s had and how they felt so real and normal compared to his other visions. He thinks of all the details in it, of the little marks on Hux’s body he’s never noticed before. It all makes sense. In some twisted way, it all makes sense, except Kylo can’t quite understand how he lost his memory. He’ll have to talk to Hux again. 

He requests entrance to Hux’s quarters and gets denied. He sits down by the door and resolves to wait. There’s a piece of his life missing, it’s bigger than just him and Hux. How much did he forget? Did he love Hux - did he tell him so? Was he finally satisfied in Hux’s arms? Was Hux the thing that eased the struggle in his mind? If so, why did Kylo forget him? It couldn’t have been an accident, Hux wouldn’t feel betrayed if he knew Kylo was injured. The scary thing is that there’s no time missing from his memory, no blank spaces or confusion. He recalls everything clearly - Hux was an asshole who’s always hated him and Kylo was okay with that, until now. 

He clicks in another request on the panel beside Hux’s door, even if he doesn’t believe he’d be allowed in. He isn’t. He tries a few more times with no luck until he falls asleep with his back against the wall of Hux’s quarters. 

 

Hux works late to keep his mind occupied. He’s almost falling asleep on his datapad but he keeps going, makes himself more caf and stares stubbornly at some figures and schematics without understanding what they mean. The chimes requesting Ren’s entrance come more sparsely and he doesn’t remember when the last one woke him up from his slumber, but it’s been a while. When he catches himself falling asleep with his forehead on the table, he finally decides he’s exhausted enough to lie down without unwanted thoughts. He has barely enough energy to take off his glasses, jacket and trousers and he climbs into the bed in his shirt and underwear resolving to take a shower in the morning. 

He falls asleep almost instantaneously but of course Ren doesn’t leave him in peace after that. Hux has a dream he hasn’t had in weeks, having been rather successful in pushing the knight out of his subconscious. It’s a twisted fantasy that distorts into a nightmare where Ren kills him with his bare hands after a desperate cry for help. 

Hux wakes up panicked, his heart racing in his chest. His alarm is beeping slightly by his side, indicating he’s slept his due for the night. He turns it off and sits up, feeling exhausted and terrified. He runs a hand through his hair and sighs before standing up and stumbling into the refresher. 

He takes ages with showering and shaving, thinking he might be sick, and he starts crying when he can’t get his contacts in his eyes. He collapses onto the floor and clutches his knees to his chest, sobbing without really knowing why, angry at himself and the whole world. He grips his thighs tightly, feeling a little better when he leaves little bloody dents in his skin. He forces himself to take deep breaths and concentrates on his breathing alone. 

He’s twenty minutes late when he finally gets ready for his shift and he hasn’t even had his morning caf yet. There are dark circles beneath his eyes and red blotches on his cheeks but there’s only as much as he can do. He snatches his caf with the intention of drinking it later. He’s mostly composed but the tremor in his chest tells him if something only mildly inconvenient happens, he’s going to break down again. Maybe he should get a day off. 

He nearly trips over something when he leaves his quarters, startles, and spills some of his caf on the floor. His heart races again and he bites his lip to stop himself from screaming when he realises the obstacle is Ren’s arm. 

“Oh Hux, sorry,” Ren yelps and stands up. He looks like he’s just woken up, his hair sticking out in all directions. There’s a line on his cheek where he’s laid on his cowl. 

“Ren,” Hux says quietly and he blinks rapidly. 

“I need you to be honest with me. I know you think I hurt you on purpose, and you have every right to do, but please help me,” Ren blurts out, as if he thinks he only has two seconds before Hux closes the door in his face again, “I think I lost my memory.”

“Oh, so that’s what you assholes call it these days? Memory loss?” Hux growls and intends to pass Ren and be on his way. His day can’t possibly be worse from now on. 

“Hux please,” Ren begs and Hux makes the mistake of looking into his eyes. Ren’s fucking enormous expressive eyes. Hux swears they could convince the whole Galaxy to join their cause if they could get every single person to look into Ren’s eyes. 

“If you’re trying to mock me, I’ll bite your head off,” he warns Ren but opens the door again and lets his former lover in. He feels calmer in Ren’s presence, and he hates it.

 

“I’m sorry I upset you,” Kylo says when he takes a seat opposite Hux. Hux looks like he hasn’t slept at all and maybe that he’s cried too. Kylo can sense the tightness in Hux, the way he’s on the verge of a breakdown, and wonders whether this is a good time to talk, but looking at the fierce expression on Hux’s face he thinks he may never get another chance. 

“Don’t flatter yourself. I just had a lot of work,” Hux replies coldly and Kylo doesn’t find it necessary to point out that he can sense Hux’s feelings. Hux is painfully aware of that, and he’s ashamed. 

“Okay,” Kylo nods, “look, I know how this will sound, but please hear me out. I’ve been having dreams, about you, about...uh, about us. Together. Which is why I wanted to, eh, talk to you, yesterday. I didn’t realise the dreams felt a little too vivid to be just dreams. But what you said, about me abandoning you… were we together?”

Hux hides behind a blank expression, paralysed. He is trembling, and when he realises Kylo noticed, he takes his hands off the table. 

“Yes,” he admits finally.

“And I left you without a word,” Kylo continues. Hux’s face twitches a little and he nods simply. 

“When?” 

“A few weeks ago. You came back from Snoke and you nearly laughed at me when I told you I missed you,” Hux replies flatly and his expression hardens, “I missed you so much, and you acted like I was something nasty you stepped into.”

“I remember that,” Kylo murmurs, “I thought it was strange of you to say. I never… oh stars. I’m so sorry, Hux.”

Hux watches him for long minutes, as if trying to determine whether he believes the story. Or maybe whether he should act on it if he does. He radiates hope and longing and Kylo finds it difficult to keep sitting in his chair when he senses it. Another, previously unseen, memory surfaces and he watches Hux smile, genuinely and blissfully, as Kylo tells him a silly story. 

“What do you expect me to do?” Hux asks finally.

“I don’t know. I’m still trying to deal with the fact that I forgot you. What else did I forget?” 

“Oh,” Hux hums and he extends his hand towards Kylo, obviously conflicted about it. Kylo accepts it and sighs audibly when their fingers intertwine. His core relaxes, the part of him too deep to be influenced by cognitive process rejoys at holding a piece of Hux, like one does upon coming home from a journey.   
“I have a theory,” Hux adds after a while, “you’re not going to like it.”

“You think the Supreme Leader did it,” Kylo nods.

“Just before you left on this mission, you seemed different, like you were afraid you’ll never see me again but you didn’t want to scare me. You wanted to tell me, but you didn’t. I thought a week was too short for a training, and I thought you made it up. But you didn’t, no, he twisted your memories.”

Hux’s eyes brighten, and he looks hopeful. Kylo is appalled; he’s known Hux might not be exactly happy with the Supreme Leader’s command, knowing Hux’s ambitions, but this… this is open treason. A part of Kylo knows it’s true, a small part that is usually too afraid to say anything, a part that gets smothered and silenced by the rest of him. Hux’s words make sense, don’t they? They’re alluring and inviting and Kylo wants to believe them so much. 

“No, that can’t be,” Kylo shakes his head, “Supreme Leader wouldn’t do that to me. Why would he?”

“Because he’s afraid of you,” Hux says with vigour and stands up, “and he doesn’t want the two of us to be together. I should have known it was him and not you. I was so concentrated on myself that I didn’t see what was right in front of me. Stars, I was stupid!”

“Stop it,” Kylo pleads. He knows he’ll have to seal this moment in his mind so the Supreme Leader never sees it. Kylo knows his master only does what’s best for him, but he doesn’t think this benevolence applies to Hux. “Please stop. I don’t want to lie to him for you.”

“Lie to him?” Hux says, “You won’t have to lie to him when he’s dead.”

 

“Hux,” Ren mumbles softly and there’s fear in his eyes. Hux can barely see it, can barely think of anything but his hatred for the  _ monster _ who dared do this to them. 

“Can’t you see it, Kylo?” he exclaims and walks over to Ren, taking his face between his hands, “He’s afraid we’ll get rid of him.”

“I’m… I can’t,” Ren shakes his head and he looks small, fragile. Hux never thought he’d use these particular adjectives to describe him but here they are. 

“He’s manipulating you,” he remarks and squats so that he’s in eye level with Kylo. “He’s been manipulating you since you were a child.”

“No, no,” Ren sobs, “he’s my teacher.”

“Shh, it’s okay, okay,” Hux finds Ren’s terrified eyes and looks into them, “it’s okay.”

“Don’t say that about him. He’s saved me,” Kylo whimpers, “he told me I wasn’t worthless when I was a burden to everyone else.”

Hux doesn’t want to get into the discussion about this now, when he can see just how distraught Kylo is, or to point out how obviously alarming that sentence is. He realises he’s never put much thought into Ren’s relationship with Snoke, and that he probably should have. He’s kept his eyes deliberately closed for years and he wishes he didn’t. 

“You’re not a burden,” he says instead and brushes a loose strand of hair from Kylo’s face in what he hopes is a gentle soothing gesture, “you’re unpredictable, and you’re not necessarily a good person, but you’re not a burden.”

“I was when I was younger,” Ren points out, “my parents had no idea what to do with me.”

“That’s not your fault, is it?” Hux laughs mirthlessly, “if I were to determine my value judging by my parents’ opinion of me, I wouldn’t be where I am now.”

Ren doesn’t reply to that, but he leans into Hux’s touch and closes his eyes for a while. Hux’s legs protest against the exertion but he ignores it. He ponders he’s probably grown soft if he’s willing to sacrifice comfort for a chance to stroke Kylo Ren’s hair. 

“Hux,” Ren mumbles seconds later with a flutter of damp eyelashes.

“Yes?”

“I want you to show me what I forgot.” 

 

Hux looks conflicted, and Kylo almost takes his request back. Maybe Hux doesn’t want him anymore, not when he’s made his peace with being without Kylo. Hux opens his mouth as if to say something and closes it again, nodding simply. 

He stands up and offers his hand to Kylo, with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Kylo wonders if Hux is doing this for him, as a favour to a broken person because he can’t help pitying him. But this is Hux - as soft and emotional as he seems, it’s still the man who gave the command to destroy a whole planetary system. Hux isn’t charitable, he doesn’t repress his own drives and desires just to help others, much less Kylo himself. 

Kylo accepts Hux’s hand and stands up too. Hux’s bed is messier than Kylo thought it would be - or maybe what he remembers it to be. Hux kisses him then, and Kylo feels like he’s home again, like everything will be alright if he can kiss Hux long enough. 

Unlike Kylo’s mind, his body remembers Hux perfectly. It remembers him to be a little rougher, a little louder, and not quite as tender, but Kylo doesn’t protest. If this is what Hux wants, or what he needs, it’s fine with Kylo. If an unspoken love-confession in every touch is what Hux is offering, Kylo snatches it and stores it like a starving child. 

 

With every touch and every sound, Hux realises how much he’s missed Ren. It’s been a mostly dull ache in his chest for the last few weeks, but it pales in comparison with this, with the reality of Ren’s body beneath his, with the expressive dark eyes widening in pleasure Hux caused. 

Ren looks up at the ceiling with a blank expression; he’s so still Hux almost wants to check for his pulse. There’s a slight rise and fall of his chest but he appears to be somewhere else. Hux lights a cigarette and closes his eyes as he truly enjoys it for the first time in weeks. Ren reaches for it then without thought and Hux hands it over. Ren takes a drag and gives it back, watching it inquisitively as if he’s never seen one before.

“Do we smoke?” he asks and Hux chuckles. 

“Only after sex.”

“That’s a funny habit,” Ren smiles and accepts the smoke again. 

“Mhm.”

Hux forgets entirely about his work, hoping no one will dare say anything about him taking one damn day off in eternity. He’s relaxed and content, a completely different person from the wreck who woke up in the morning. He puts the cigarette out and lies down by Ren’s side. 

“This wasn’t how we usually did it, was it?” Ren asks suddenly, “all tender and slow. Doesn’t fit you.”

“You think I can’t be a gentle and thoughtful lover just because I blow up stars?” 

“I think you can, and maybe you even want to be. But I can’t imagine this is how it happened the first time.”

“That’s true,” Hux admits with a little smile, “the first time was a lot different.”

“Tell me about it,” Ren pleads, “how did it happen?” 

It’s an odd feeling, telling your lover how you got together. Hux takes a few moments to arrange his thoughts before answering. 

“It was very… crass, really,” he says and avoids Ren’s eyes, “I was frustrated, you were angry. You wanted to intimidate me to win an argument and stepped into my personal space and I… stars, it sounds terrible when I say it out loud, I pushed you against a wall and told you you could use some discipline. And I touched you. You were hard. That’s about it.”

“Very romantic,” Ren chuckles.

“Well what did you expect from the two of us?” 

Ren reaches for a kiss, running his hand through the hair on Hux’s nape. He rolls over, on top of Hux, and trails little kisses down Hux’s neck and onto the hollow above his clavicles and breast bone, pressing against Hux’s windpipe. 

“I think we could do anything,” he says after he’s covered Hux in kisses. The General smiles at him and wonders if it’s true. He’s almost sure it is, but there’s a shadow in Ren’s eyes, the taint on their bliss.

 

“You’re afraid,” Hux says. Kylo almost denies it, but then changes his mind. What’s the point in lying to Hux? He knows.

“I don’t want to forget more,” he whispers instead, “I already forgot you, what comes next? Will I forget the Force? My own name?”

“I don’t think you could forget the Force,” Hux says and Kylo can see the deliberation behind his statement. Hux hasn’t let go of his theory then. 

“You’re wrong, you know? About the Supreme Leader.”

“You have no idea how much I wish I was,” Hux says, “but if I’m not, he’s going to take you away from me again. And maybe for good this time.”

“And yet you’re here with me,” Kylo kisses Hux’s chin, “you know he might take me, and that it may hurt you again, and yet you’re here with me. You don’t have much of a self-preservation instinct, do you?”

“Have you seen yourself, Ren?” Hux breathes out and weaves a strand of Kylo’s hair on his finger to stress his point, “I want you, and I’ll have you if I can. Even with the risk of losing you.”

“My, my, General,” Kylo says and smiles, “that’s almost a love confession.” 

Hux shrugs, and kisses Kylo. It may be to hide the flush creeping on his cheeks, but Kylo still feels it hot against his skin. 

…

Hux knew it would happen. Objectively, he was certain he was right about Snoke, even though he kept his thoughts to himself not to upset Ren. He tried slipping in little things, like telling Ren that he’s beautiful or powerful, small enough not to raise his suspicions but sneaking into to his subconscious to steer him away from Snoke. He wasn’t happy about making Ren let go of one master and become dependent on another, but he hoped he was a better option than Snoke. 

And it was working. Ren has been sleeping in Hux’s quarters and following him for the majority of his free time, always trying to appease him. It made him uncomfortable but erratic, powerful. Just a little bit more and he’d have Ren at his disposal, loyal and devoted. 

But nothing lasts forever, and Hux is aware that Snoke has just been playing with him - with them both - allowing them to have their little fantasy. He’s known about them the whole time, watching them for amusement and maybe plotting the best way to dispose of them. 

He knows his bubble of happiness has burst when he wakes up alone one morning. Ren is nowhere to be found, and there’s no note, no message telling Hux where he’s gone. It’s not a conclusive evidence of course, but Hux isn’t stupid or naive. He dresses for the day, puts on his mask of professional indifference, and goes about his duties, running on autopilot and stereotypes. 

He casually requests a report on the ships and shuttles that left the hangar in the last cycle, telling himself it should be checked from time to time. There’s the usual line of maintenance and provision vessels, a squadron of TIE fighters that left to destroy a pirate ship that tried to abduct one of their ships. And then, almost at the bottom of the list, a single shuttle almost lost in the flood. 

Kylo Ren’s shuttle. Number of personnel on board: 1. Departure request filed: 0547. Departure permission granted: 0553. Departure 0602.  

Hux’s heart finally sinks, the last thin threads of hope breaking within him. If Ren is alone, he’s not going on a haste mission that didn’t allow him to inform Hux. He always takes Stormtroopers with him, sometimes even Phasma or another of the officers if he went to attack something. He only ever went alone to Snoke. 

Hux looks at the time. Ren has been gone for two hours now, and Hux already misses him. He thinks of how Ren looked at him adoringly the night before, how he whispered something against Hux’s back, so hushed it was incomprehensible. Hux wishes he didn’t fall asleep with his back to Ren. 

Kylo is crouched on the floor of the shuttle, one eye monitoring the panel. He has his knees pulled up beneath his chin, wrapped up in a tight ball. He stares in front of himself, trying not to cry in pain. It’s omnipresent, tearing him into shreds, worse than it’s been in years. He’s used to pain, used to suppressing it so that it becomes so subdued he almost doesn’t notice it, but now it’s shaking him, threatening to split his brain in two. He remembers weakly that the last time he felt like this, he killed a bunch of children, and whimpers in agony. 

His torment has been worsening ever since he became involved with Hux, ever since he found himself falling for the General. Being in Hux’s arms made him feel accepted and at peace and it almost pushed the pain away. He allowed himself to believe Hux will help him, and looking at the smile that crept more and more often on Hux’s face as their relationship progressed, he found himself wishing he could cast his past aside, even his Force sensitivity, and just help Hux conquer the galaxy. 

But the moment they parted, the moment Hux had to go after his duties, the agony came back, stronger than ever. Kylo knew what was causing it but he turned away from the truth, hoping if he doesn’t acknowledge it, it will go away. Kylo wanted, desperately, but he didn’t know what. He desired something intangible, something he could hardly imagine. A peaceful life. 

This night was different in some way he couldn’t quite explain, and the fire in his chest was burning even with Hux by his side. Kylo tossed and turned for hours, tears welling up in his eyes. He felt betrayed and cheated - he was as close to Hux as possible considering the General was asleep, so why did everything hurt? It wasn’t fair. 

“My poor child,” the Supreme Leader spoke to him, in a semblance of a dream, “my poor misguided child.”

“Master,” Kylo sobbed, reaching for the voice with his hands as if he could somehow grasp it, “help me.”

“I cannot help you if you do not wish to be helped, my boy,” the voice susurrated around Kylo.

“Please, I want this pain to stop, tell me how to stop it.”

“Come to me, and I shall guide you. But come alone. Leave the General behind. He’s the poison running through your veins.”

“But Hux is…” Kylo trailed off, unsure what to say. What was Hux to him? Why was the prospect of parting from him so terrifying?

“Alluring, I know,” Snoke said kindly, “but aren’t all poisonous things more beautiful than the plain ones? Come to me.”

“Yes, master,” Kylo whispered and woke up by Hux’s side, feeling lonely and full of a sudden, inexplicable desire to run away, away from Hux, from his powers, from his pain. 

The rest was a little blurry, as if Kylo’s decisions and actions weren’t completely his, but with every step away from the Finalizer lifts some of Kylo’s sorrow and when he enters hyperspace he’s almost ecstatic. It doesn’t last, and as he recalls what he’s leaving behind and begins to wonder why he feels it so necessary to run, the pain comes back, wiping his thoughts and turning them into a tangled mess. 

…

When Kylo lands in the Finalizer’s hangar, Hux isn’t waiting for him. The Supreme Leader said he may not come, but Kylo thought he would. It would have made things a little easier. All the same, Kylo needs to find him, and preferably find him alone. What he has to do is a delicate and ugly business, and there’s no need to make it unnecessarily cruel. 

Hux is working, Kylo is informed, probably on the bridge. Kylo has time, or he tells himself so, feeling restless and tingly, his mind rushing off to forbidden places. He pokes at the barriers set up in his mind, bumping into a warning sign wherever he goes, as if his mind is a minefield that would be better left alone. It’s a grisly image, perverse and repulsive, and Kylo amuses himself with wondering how many mines can go off in your brain before you’re too broken to be a person anymore.

Finally, after hours of waiting, Hux walks through the door. He meets Kylo’s eyes; he looks sad and miserable, and for a little while something in Kylo stirs and wants to come forward and embrace Hux, or kiss him. Kylo quenches it and Hux composes his expression into a neutral one, as if he has lost any ability to be surprised by anything, much less of the sight of Kylo in his quarters. If anything, he looks like some private guess of his just proved to be right. 

“Ren,” he says and nods, and the single word carries the meaning of a speech. There's an  _ I missed you  _ and a  _ I'm happy to see you  _ but laced with the sadness of knowing the inevitable. Kylo wonders whether he's always been able to understand Hux so well - if that is the reason why it was so easy for Hux to enclose him in his comfortable pretty cocoon of make-believe love. 

It hurts to think of his love for Hux. Even now, when he understands that it was just a trick, an intricate and alluring game Hux amused himself with, seeing Hux is painful. It's like watching a perfect life play out behind a panel of glass, close and tantalizing but out of reach. Kylo convinced his master that he doesn't feel anything but hate and fury towards the General, but he thinks hate is not that far from love as it seems. Hux is beautiful when he's hated and terrible when he is loved - or maybe it's the other way around, Kylo isn't sure. 

“Hux,” he replies at last and his voice is dull and hollow compared to Hux's or to his own mind. 

“You do remember me this time.” 

It's an observation, not a question, so Kylo decides not to answer. 

 

Ren looks like he’ll break any moment - tear around the scar on his face and shoulder and fall apart bit by bit. Hux finds the idea disturbing, which is why it plays out in his mind over and over in gross and vivid detail. 

“Can you kiss me or does it interfere with your noble mission?” Hux asks and it sounds more bitter than he intended. His body craves Ren, his touch and his insufferable enigmatic speech. 

“I don't think I can,” Ren begins and trails off. Hux is puzzled and angry - why did Ren go into all this trouble to come to his room when he  _ doesn't think he can  _ kiss Hux. He guesses his contempt shows on his face because Ren adds: “but I suppose I owe it to you.”

“Owe me?” Hux hisses, “I don't want you to kiss me because you owe me anything. I want you to do it because you want to.”

They stand opposite each other, divided by three feet of air and unspoken emotions and Hux feels like he'll start screaming. 

“What do you want?” he asks at last, urging Ren’s mysterious expression to dissolve, “Why did you come?”

“You're a poison, Hux, an obstacle. I couldn't resist you, and you led me astray from my way. I need to cut you out,” Ren explains and closes his eyes for a while, as if overcoming some emotion. 

“He told you that, didn't he?” Hux scoffs.

“No, I saw that myself. The Supreme Leader merely told me to meditate and showed me the path I need to take. The path that doesn't hurt me.”

“I never wanted to hurt you,” Hux opposes bleakly.

“I know that,” Ren nods, “that's what made you so appealing. Such a bad person, and yet you did everything to make me happy.” 

“I'm glad you realize that.”

“I also realize it's been a beautiful lie, whether you intended it or not. I can't take lies anymore.”

“I knew I should have killed him. I should have got rid of him while I still could, before he damaged you for good,” Hux mutters and he breaks the distance between them. He takes Ren's face between his hands and holds him, as if his touch could expel Snoke out of Ren’s system. 

“I'd been damaged long before I met you,” Ren replies and leans into Hux's touch. 

“So what now? Have you come to tell me I'll never see you again? Did Snoke find a more suitable lover for you?” 

“He thinks I should be alone and concentrate on my training for a while.”

“So you’re leaving me behind. After everything we’ve gone through, you’ll leave me here and go live in some cave,” Hux hisses, hoping his anger might move Ren. 

“I’m not leaving you behind,” Ren says and kisses the palm of Hux's right hand, “you're too dangerous to be kept around as a temptation. I can’t fully let go of you as long as there’s a possibility of you somewhere in the galaxy.”

Hux's mouth falls open as he begins to ask what the hell Ren means by that, and it closes again when he understands the truth, naked and ghastly. He steps away from Ren, horrified. 

“You think I'll let you kill me?!” he shrieks, one hand searching for his comm to call someone to help. 

“You can’t hope to beat me,” Ren says and he seems sad about it, “it would be easier for you not to struggle. I don't want you to suffer.”

“How thoughtful of you,” Hux spits and backs away towards the door.

“Hux.”

Hux freezes, held in place with a familiar insubstantial might. He tries to scream but the Force grip is too strong and thorough for him to move a single muscle. He recalls, absurdly, how Ren would pin him down with the Force during sex and then move him around like a figurine. It's absurd how similar his current situation is to that memory and how different the intention behind it. Ren is again beautiful and terrible and the living embodiment of sheer energy, and Hux is completely at his mercy. But not his mercy, no, but Snoke’s.

_ I don't want to die,  _ Hux thinks and a hysterical cry builds up in his chest without the hope for release.  _ Please, Ren, don't. I'm scared. I don't want to die.   _

 

“I’m sorry, Hux,” Kylo whispers, “I wish I could save you. But just having you near is agonizing. It’s me or you, and you’re the one who deceived me.” 

Hux’s eyes plead him to let him go. His eyes were always his best feature, the part of him that always betrayed his desperate need to be understood and accepted. People say eyes are the window to the soul, but it’s not quite true with Hux. Hux’s eyes reach deeper, into the vulnerable and sad part of him he’s managed to bury and lose his way back to. It only comes in glimpses when he doesn’t guard himself. 

Kylo knows Hux is thinking hard, pleading with him to spare his life and throwing sentimental confessions at him. All the years they’ve known each other and Hux still hasn’t understood that Kylo can’t actually read minds. The message is clear of course, but Kylo doesn’t have to be Force sensitive to guess it. 

“I wish I knew what your goal was,” Kylo says and bridges the distance between them with two long strides, “we were working together. I thought we wanted the same thing. Then why did you lead me astray?”

He loosens his grip on Hux to allow him to speak but Hux is stubbornly silent. 

 

Hux defies Ren with forceful disdain. His heart is breaking for his lover but it’s not Kylo who’s asking these questions. Kylo is gone, ground and dissolved in Snoke’s lies and manipulation. Hux didn’t lead Kylo astray - if anything, he led him to his salvation, although that might have been boastful of Hux to say. 

“Will it be easier for you if I tell you I used you?” he asks, seeing the twitch in Kylo’s face. He means for it to sound angry, but he doesn’t quite manage that, “Do you want me to tell you Snoke is right and I never liked you?”

“I want the pain to go away,” Ren mumbles.

“I can’t do that. I’m not the one who’s causing it.”

“But you  _ are _ , don’t you understand?” Ren cries and grabs Hux’s shoulders, shaking him violently. 

“Like your father did?” Hux dares. He can see Ren is on the verge of a breakdown, the strings in him stretched too tight for him to calm down. Hux’s only hope is to get Ren to explode controllably. 

“You made me love you too much,” Ren whispers and takes Hux’s face into his palms, cupping it lovingly. Tears rise into his deep eyes and Hux sees he’s lost, that Snoke was simply a too powerful rival. Ren’s thumbs caress his jaw and he struggles against the Force hold on him, hoping that if he surprises Ren, he can get away. But it’s futile, his attempt too weak to truly mean anything to Ren’s great powers. 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Hux's body collapses into his arms and Kylo nearly falls under its dead weight. Dead. Dead by Kylo's hand. Not metaphorically, like with his father. He’d think breaking someone’s neck would be more complicated than a simple jerk of his hands. 

Kylo waits for his pain to be lifted, for the torment in his soul to be soothed but it doesn't come. There's shock, a numb hollow feeling of  _ oh no, stars please, no,  _ and there's guilt, gnawing at his rushing heart. There's a memory of a similar situation, this one made more terrible by the undeniability of the body. There's the fear of how much he can tear his soul apart before it crumbles. 

Kylo pushes ginger hair from Hux's eyes and a loud, animalistic sound forces its way out of his throat. Hux's eyes are open, glassy, and terrified. Kylo sees himself reflected in them and he screams again, letting go of the body with repulsion. It thuds on the ground, distorting into a position it wouldn't have in life, grotesque and sinister. 

Kylo turns around and runs out of the room, feeling like another second spent in the room with the corpse might drive him mad. He runs down the corridors of the ship without his mask, his lightsaber ignited at his side, and people make way for him, not daring to oppose the terrible gleam in his eyes. He runs without a direction, driven by a carnal need to destroy. 

There’s a limited distance he can run before it’s not enough. The fire in his lungs and his muscles is strong and distracting but soon enough subdues in comparison with the storm in his soul. He screams again, and there’s so much pain and despair in his cry that the air around him crackles. He wonders, weakly, if it is possible to physically shatter into pieces because that’s how he feels. 

He screams and screams and everything hurts, worse than before, and he understands now, clear as a day, that Hux was right. Hux was right, like he always was, Hux was right and he  _ killed him.  _ Kylo’s roar turns into a hysterical laughter, a chuckle like from a holovid villain. He begins to tremble from the exertion but he speeds up now that he knows what he needs to do. It’s funny how his life seems to be packed with moments when he’s certain that if he can do just one thing, just one more thing, he’ll finally know peace. This time feels different though - this time he’s finally lost the blindfold he’s had for years. This time he won’t get distracted and fight symptoms rather than the cause of the disease. 

He’s feverish and trembling the whole journey, and he hardly remembers to drink anything. His mind is pushing out of his skull, his consciousness evaporating and he hopes he can keep enough of himself together for his one last grand act. He looks like a corpse, his eyes huge with the strain to stay focused. He can barely stand, and he isn’t sure he remembers his own name but his connection with the Force is stronger than ever. He’s dying, he assumes - don’t people say that all those who die connect with the Force? Maybe he’s already dead but his body works through sheer spite - he’s a vengeful spirit and he won’t rest until he’s killed the one who caused all his turmoil. 

His master is waiting for him, trying to chastise him, to ensnare him in another trap, to divert his anger elsewhere, but Kylo is too broken to listen to anything. The fire within him flares higher and brighter and he’s pure power as he ignites his infamous lightsaber and swings it harder and faster than he ever has. 

Years and years of careful manipulation and grooming fall apart as the saber rips Snoke’s scarred body into pieces. Each slash loosens a shackle, and Kylo feels ecstatic, omnipotent,  _ alive _ . 

He didn't realize at first that it's not just his sorrow that peels off him in layers. The Force quietens and its roar, the most fundamental part of Kylo, dissolves into a whisper until it leaves for good. He straightens, disorientated and lost, and tries to cope with the hollow inside him. He has been too full of energy, of turmoil ever since he could remember and now the pressure is gone like from a punctured blister. For the first time, Kylo feels alone in his mind. 

He walks slowly away from the body that used to be his master, and wipes a spatter of blood off his face. Kylo Ren is dead; he was defined by the Force, and the Force is gone. He's not sure who he is or what he's expected to do, but he's free, free at last, and there's some consolation in it. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> [Come scream at me on tumblr!](http://ellstra.tumblr.com/)  
>  Or just drop me a comment on here. Thanks.


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